It all started at my 33-week check-up. My OB measured my fundal height as 31 centimeters; not the expected 33. That was only the beginning. Who would have thought that measuring from the top of my uterus to my pubic bone would prompt an ultrasound which detected that our baby was breech? Even as a third-year medical student, I knew what that meant: Cesarean section. My eyes started to swell with tears as my OB said that in her experience, very few babies flip this far along.
On my drive home, I cursed my past self for not looking up my OB and hospital C-section rate. As a soon-to-be doctor, I understood that C-sections are major surgery and pose complications during and after delivery. Complications could even arise years after delivery and affect future pregnancies.
So, naturally, my husband and I did everything we could to try to flip the baby. We looked into external cephalic version, but my OB counseled me against it. Next, we tried all the old wives’ tales: I lived in the downward dog position. I was almost short of a headstand as the weeks ticked toward my 39 week scheduled C section. We even bought belly buds. I recorded myself singing, pleading, and begging to our child. We massaged a cold washcloth near where we thought her ears were hoping she would hear me tell her to start moving her big stubborn, unborn baby head toward the exit.
To no avail. As the delivery neared and my husband asked what it was going to be like in the OR, my mind went back to my OB rotation – it was not that long ago – I was about 30 weeks – and I observed and scrubbed in on a Cesarean delivery. I had scrubbed into surgeries before, but not while pregnant and I remember feeling like I was about to pass out, the hot OR lights shining against my back. I heard the OB tell the soon-to-be mother, “a little pressure, sweetie,” as she and the resident tugged and pulled with what looked like all of their might. Afraid they might make the hole even bigger, I winced, as I watched the mom lay there, arms splayed to the sides, as she had her baby ripped out of her.
Butchers, I remember thinking at the time. And then it was my turn…
I didn’t get the delivery I wanted. So many of us go into delivery with a preconceived idea of how we want to deliver – our ‘birth plan.’ But how many times does that actually go as we thought?
Pregnancy is a weird, wonderful, and scary time. Scary, in my opinion, because so much is out of our control. In my case, I don’t know why my baby was breech. I’d like to think it was because of my svelt abdominal muscles, but who is to know for sure? I was upset at the time about having to go through a cesarean delivery. Sometimes, I still get twinges of sadness, but overall, years later, I am okay with how my daughter’s birth turned out. Obviously, I am happy that I have her and we are both healthy and I don’t like to think where we would both be without the cesarean.
Going into pregnancy and delivery with a rigid expectation of how you want things to go is a recipe for disaster. Why? We get upset when we compare our ideal outcome to the actual outcome. Instead, I think we need to go into pregnancy knowing that things will be uncertain. Pregnancy and delivery are dynamic processes that change trimester by trimester and even moment to moment. Our mindset needs to be dynamic too.
So what do you think? Did you get the delivery you wanted? If not, how was it different than how you envisioned it? How have you reconciled the two in your mind?